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Posts Tagged ‘drunk.’

I’ve bulleted these instead of numbering them, because numbering them puts an order of importance on them, and I hate doing that.

  • Own a gaming system. While I do enjoy the bonding sessions my brother, cousin, and I shared while killing each other in 007 on the good ol’ Nintendo 64, I will never spend my hard-earned money on a Wii or an XBOX or a Playstation 5 or whatever is out these days. I grew up playing outside, and I intend for my children to do the same. While that sounds vaguely like “Back in my day, I walked to school in two feet of snow without shoes on, uphill both ways,” it’s really not. I consider myself an intelligent being, and from observing those who waste their time shooting shadowy characters on their big screen TV, I can see their IQ visibly dropping.
  • Vote for Hillary. (I don’t know if that’s how you spell her name or what. I get mixed up between her and Hilary Duff.) As ignorant as I am to her platform, I don’t think I could bring myself to vote for another Clinton. It doesn’t really matter, because I am living in a very very dominantly republican area, and my vote wouldn’t really count even if I did vote for her, but it would hang over my head for the rest of my life. I have this scene playing out in my head rather like one from You’ve Got Mail, when Meg Ryan and her boyfriend are in a theater, and she confesses that she forgot to vote, and he tells her he “forgives” her, which sparks a breakup.
  • Get a credit card. I should rephrase that to “use” a credit card. I don’t even have a debit card at present, because I know that having any sort of card would make me spend more money. Using cash is a way of seeing how much I’m spending as I hand it over, so I don’t lose myself and credit $3,000 in shoes to my Visa. If I do someday need to have a certain amount of credit, I’ll get a card, put it in a dish of water, and stick it in my freezer. Or, you know, just cut it up. (Question: If I knew I was dying, and I got a credit card to just spend a zillion dollars before I died, would my family be responsible for paying for my bills?)
  • Dye my hair. Sometimes, when I’m upset, I threaten to dye my hair black. Threaten who? I don’t know. Whoever says they like my hair, I just snap back, “I’mdyingitblackandthere’snothingyoucandoaboutit.” While doing that has never gotten me anything (besides the attentions of an attractive boy in high school), I can’t stop. But really, I don’t think I’ll ever dye my hair. I keep saying I’ll dye it blue when it goes white, but I’m kind of hoping I’ll be dead before then.
  • Get drunk. Yes, I know it’s a social norm to drown your sorrows in alcohol, but I can’t picture me ever intoxicating myself to the point of no control. I won’t even let people hypnotize me (the only exception being the weight-loss tapes I used in 10th grade) because I hate not having control over my actions. While I’ve never literally lost control and so cannot know if I would like it or not, I just like controlling things generally.

If I ever do any of these things, please slap me.

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